Throwaway because MIL has Reddit.
I (27 F) am married to my husband (28M), call him Valentin, for 3 years now, being together for 10 years. We are really happy and to make that perfect we are expecting the first of our two wanted babies in about two to three weeks.
My relationship to MIL is quite good. I don’t feel like she is a second mother to me, but I really like her and spending time with her. Also normally she is a really sweet and nice person, and luckily none of those Monster in Laws you her about. But truth is she sometimes makes me a bit uneasy. Just the vibe she gives me (despite her being nice) makes me uneasy and uncomfortable when I am stressed or tired sometimes.
With the due date coming closer she approached me and asked in which hospital “we would deliver”. I told her the name of the hospital I would deliver in, if everything was going accordig to plan.
Then she asked who would be there with me and I told her that I would take my mom, my best friend (who is a delivery nurse/midwife - not sure about the correct phrase) and Valentin (as soon as he can come to me when Labor starts).
She seemed to be really hurt and asked why I didn’t chose her to be in the room. I told her that I did not want her there because it is intimate and we are not that type of close.
She seemed to be hurt even more and asked if she at least was allowed to meet her grandbaby directly after delivery, if she is not allowed in the room while I give birth. And that it would be good to bond (joint me in the delivery as well as being there after the delivery, me and MIL) I denied again because after giving birth I want to have just a little time to adjust with only Valentin, Baby and me. About two to three weeks after delivery she is welcome to meet the baby.
She then told me I was rude and that she did so much for me and I was being disrespectful to not allow her these moment with my grandchild, while allowing my mom and my best friend to be a part of it. How sad it made her.
I flipped because i felt pressured and told her to fuck off. That it was me giving birth and I did not want to use that time to bond with her while pushing out a baby from my vagina.
Some people think I should allow her Tonne part of that special moment and that I was the AH, some say I am in the right and NTA.
Reddit what do you say?
Edit for clarification (because many people asked):
- My Mom comes with me because due to work my husband will probably not be there for early stages of Labor and I don’t want to be alone.
- my best friend is my midwife. She is there for the medical stuff. Not for watching
- for those asking why she can’t come for 30 minutes right after the delivery: since I am no Filmstar I will probably look/be exhausted sweaty and tired after giving birth. In this state I don’t want to see people. Also I will be exhausted and in pain.
- My mum leaves when my husband shows up in the delivery room. She will also have to wait to see the baby for 2-3 weeks if he shows up in time.
- In fact EVERYBODY has to wait 2-3 weeks before meeting our baby. The only person who probably will see her before that is the food delivery guy 😂 when I carry her around and he brings us food.
- the idea for 2-3 weeks no people comes from my husband. And I like the idea of settling in before meeting people.
- some named to FaceTime with MIL is an idea I keep in mind if due to work my husband doesn’t get their in time and my mum sees the baby.
- Some asked what she did to make me say „fuck off“. I felt pressured and not respected with her wanting to being there in the room or right after delivery and with her telling me that I withhold moments of bonding between her and me, and between her and the baby. Also I apologised for this about an hour ago via telephone call. And I told to please remember how she felt while giving birth to her son, and before that to her daughter and think about why I need some peace and quite and don’t want people all around me. She said she understands what I mean and that she is sorry for pressuring me.
And a last edit for everyone who cares: I talked again to MIL to make sure there is no bad blood between us. And there is not. She told me that she did not mean to pressure me just that she just wants to help and that she did not consider that I handle my birth different then her daughter (who wanted everybody there as fast as possible). We both apologised again. As a compromise in helping/seeing/… we decided the following (yes my husband was also asked but he ate cake and was rather quite in this conversation - he stole the last piece of cheese cake 😭😭😭):
MIL will get a picture or a short FaceTime (depending on how I feel after birth) about a day after me giving birth. She (like my mum) will bring by cooked food or run errands for us (if they feel like helping) but not see us (like everybody else will not see us) until husband and I have settled into the new situation. But we will be able to telephone maybe once or twice or FaceTime depending on how we feel.
I want to thank the people that were nice and respectful for their opinion and some for their help in figuring out what would be a good solution.
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